AUSTIN, Texas, May 26, 2005 — For a few weeks I've been taking myself too seriously. I've been genuinely worried about things that don't really matter. Well, not too worried, but you know, giving it thought.

I've also been worried about things that I'm not going to do any differently anyway. And about things I can't change.

So, chill, says I. Don't take it seriously.

The day starts with my usual: coffee and computer. I don't finish my journal entry though. And I don't really care. I'll get it finished when

I feel like it. FFP comes back from the gym before I leave for my tennis match. He's brought in groceries, a guy is calling about making an appointment to fix something on our sprinkler system, another guy is in the backyard looking at the pond. I help put the groceries up. It turns out the electrician put the pump on a switch and a switch that also turns on lights. Claimed it was 'that way before.' But it most certainly wasn't. I don't care. When you turn the switch off and back on the water squirts out of the pond. I decide that, you know, I don't care about the pond. If FFP cares, he can get someone to fix it right. Maybe we need an electrician who isn't his cousin. Maybe it's just all too hard. I can't be bothered.

I'm late to tennis, though, because of the timing of these interruptions. But only five minutes and not the last one there. I don't worry about it. Nor do I worry when my play seems a bit off, I seem to be hitting balls out, otherwise messing up. I just keep playing. Another lady comes by and we discuss the club food offerings. I tell them what I know about the current situation, but I don't really care what happens. I don't worry about it. One of the ladies asks me to play for her next week. I agree, tell her I'll call if I can't. While I'm playing I realize that I'm going to leave after the tennis, go home and finish up cleaning and oiling the teak bench. I don't worry that I'm not going to exercise anymore.

When I get home, I have two calls. One is about tennis tomorrow and one is about my dad's different medical stuff. The former entails a call to the club (which has no courts because of a tournament) and a call to my friend to tell her we have to play elsewhere. I don't worry about it. The latter means several calls back and forth until I get everything straightened out. I hope anyway. A call to my dad reveals that he's done two errands for himself and will go to the drugstore for a prescription now that I've got the doctor lined up to refill it. I don't have to go to his house today. That's good. I'm not going to worry about all the calls and referrals to doctors and this and that until they call me back to do something. We will take care of some of this stuff next week. It's not like he is having any bad symptoms.

I'm eating breakfast/lunch (cereal and nonfat yogurt and a very ripe banana) when our neighbor comes over. She helps make the place look good when we have a party and she is also returning our giant ice chest which she borrowed. I finish eating and let FFP talk to her. I then go out when they are done and do the furniture. I've done all the cleaning I'm going to do and all I have to do is add another soaking of the beeswax, lemon oil, mineral oil mixture another day. I look at the pond that can't get the pump right and see one of the fish, apparently undisturbed at the hoopla over his environment.

I go inside, do some journal reading, finish my own, get in the mail. We have a couple of events tonight. But I think until then I'll do some of my film reviewing for the film festival. I do watch one short, write it up. I get showered, watch some other TV. I look for some pants that I think we sent to the cleaners. We can't find them. FFP almost always does the errand of dropping off and picking up cleaning and laundry. He keeps looking long after I've chosen other pants and gotten dressed.

We go off to downtown for a brief appearance at a birthday party for friends at the Red Fez. Parking is at a premium (well, it's Thursday and the Thursday before a long weekend at that so in Austin it's the virtual weekend). We decide to just pay the money to valet park and not worry about it.

When we get into the Fez, FFP starts taking some pictures. He actually needs to take pictures at the next gathering, having promised that he do so for The West Austin News. The camera starts doing something weird. Oh, well, it's been slowly dying since New York in February. We leave a bit early and go by a 7-11 to buy an emergency disposible one. I figure out that it is trying to tell me the card is full. The symptom of the camera's problem currently is not remembering settings and having menus that don't show all the text. I erase some pictures (not easy without menu choices) and we get the thing working again. We go to campus and see crowds heading to Erwin Center. High School graduations or something I think. We find a parking place, though, near the Texas Memorial Museum where the next event is. We are a bit late there but we make it in time to sip some wine, shoot the pictures, eat a little of the free food and shoot some good pictures. FFP makes a couple of contacts with people about future articles, too.

Yeah, today I decided not to worry too much about things. I decided to not worry if I was making my sister mad by not having her for a visit or taking care of her so she could go to the wedding. I decided that me not attending the wedding was not a big deal either. I talked to my aunt in Maine. She broke her kneecap and she finally got home from nursing care. Still has to have a home health care person come in and help with bathing. But she was upbeat, just handling things as they come. Said she would call a B&B in their vicinity after Memorial Day when they opened and make reservations for us to stay nearby when we are on our driving trip up there. Told her that regardless of their health problems, we could come see them. She said they hoped to be in shape to have a trip to the coast with us. You plan as much as you can plan. They may have health setbacks by then. If so, we can visit them in the hospital in the big city. Maybe we will have to cancel the whole trip if something happens to the parents. When your oldsters are 85, 88, and 94, it's surprising when things stay the same. We just have to keep planning.

I also decided not to worry that I'm being selfish and not devoting myself a hundred percent to my family and what they desire. We are all independent. We all have responsiblity to each other, but also to ourselves and to our own communities. I am selfish and proud that I've finally had the courage to admit it and embrace it.