Austin, TEXAS, December 18, 2005 — Old Santa used to be lugging nothing more high tech than Erector sets. In my day anyway. Not so anymore. Half his load integrates with an iPod.

Yeah, it's a different Santa we write to these days. He's swinging by places in the Orient before he delivers to us. Don't you believe for a second that he's as lame as those elves trying to carve digital cameras from wood in that TV commercial. (Office Depot?) He's evolved right along with us, I know it. It's made his job tougher, for sure. But he's supposed to bring happiness. So I'm sending him my plea. One household's cry for help. I hope he hears me.

Dear Santa Gadget,

(1) Please don't deliver any gadgets in that plastic casing that not only resists sisters but also nuclear warheads. The gadgets are frustrating enough without having to lose a couple of fingers to start trying to put them together and make sense of their instructions.

(2) Lose the little fake clock or radio dial LEDs pasted on the screens. This confounds the old folks.

(3) Don't print the manual in 47 languages making a useless instruction manual weigh in at more than the gadget. Put a universal code number on it that we can type into the WEB so we can throw away the book and look up the instructions in our preferred language any time.

(4) Make my cell phone (already about four years old) last a bunch longer. I like the way it works, have the acessories and have a huge bunch o' numbers programmed in there. I don't want a camera, WI-FI, Internet, Games. Just make this little phone keep going.

(5) Please no ring tones. If you bring me (4) then I have a phone that I can leave on vibrate all the time except when it's plugged in to charge. That's so civilized. And, yes, I heard about ring moans. Please! Do. Not. Give. Anyone. Those.

(6) Make it easier to buy some simple gadget like a new radio for the bathroom that isn't too big and works and matches the decor.

(7) Create my ultimate gadget (which I might or might not actually buy or ask you for but want others to own). It's the combination digital camera, GPS, Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, Atomic Clock, digital compass and altimeter gadget that you can take pictures with and have a location, orientation and accurate date and time transmitted with the picture if you wish. And have that info and the photo integrated into a file with a check code that resistes tampering. Imagine people taking these shots and then integrating them with Google Earth. Frightening, eh? But oh so cool.

(8) Quit creating gadgets that need feeding. We are still drowning in LPs, cassettes, CDs, VHS movies, LD movies (yes and they are gigantic), DVDs, memory cards, floppy disks that aren't (only recently got rid of ones that flop), ZIP disks, software disks. We have avoided MP3s but it's only a matter of time until someone buys an iPod that needs to be fed. Good news is they don't create clutter (except on drives), but they do cost money. Give us subscriptions to things like Rhapsody (and keep us from burning too many mix CDs). And Netflix. Things don't accumulate when you listen or watch this way. Things not accumulating is good. Bring satellite radio to our family as soon as himself can decide which is better. (Hint: We aren't Howard Stern fans.)

(9) Make the digital frame an affordable item. This idea would be so great for the old folks as a gift if it didn't cost $200 to get a good one.

(10) While you are here with your magic sleigh that can hold infinite gifts, take away all the useless or unused gadgets and media. There's the hulking Apple Laserwriter that's been bested by a machine half its size. At least two ink jet printers that, let's face it, no one is going to get cartridges for. Two film cameras and two digital ones that may work but will their lenses ever open again? Replace the two line phones, too. We got rid of the two-line roll over service. Replace these with more up-to-date phones. But please! No hard plastic vaults around them and no unintelligable instructions.

(11) And Santa, save us from even knowing anyone who gets a game box of any kind.

(12) Charge the lithium ion batteries. Bring batteries where not included.

(13) Unpack the thing and take away the box, styro and giant twist ties and all that. Please return it if I have to move.

(14) You're such a geek, Santa, you jolly old fool. We left some pizza and Jolt cola for you.