The Visible Woman...January 26, 2004

You can delay facing up to what's happening and what you've chosen and your brilliant ideas...but not forever.

I spoke to my friend who retired today. Friday she said she just wasn't going to worry about it for two weeks. She will probably work again, since financially she'll probably need to, but she was just going to pospone the concern.

On a similar note I'm taking Dad to the doctor today and I've just been postponing being concerned about the 'mass' they were concerned about in Xray and CT scan. I will wait until the doctor talks to us, I decide. Then, of course, there are more questions to be answered...with a biopsy and a visit to another doctor. Another reason not to think about it.

The tile guys are coming to an end. It's time to face the music about our choice of tile and grout and their 'workmanship' and the tub not being level. You can assume it will come out to suit you until it doesn't. Actually I like it fairly well. At the end you are left with the results, static for a moment and then, of course, instantly deteriorating. In the face of things like doctors, it doesn't seem to matter.

And the pergola collapsed today. The tin roof (my bad idea) and the wind and the rotting of the antique columns that supported it had conspired to make it lean. The handyman and helpers tried to stop the collapse but finally had to let it happen. Maybe it would have happened if we'd gotten a new awning instead. Who knows? I'm sanguine about it, pretty much. Looking down at the yard it looks like a UFO landed with the tin roof down. We will have it dismantled and hauled away, we decide, and just leave an electrical outlet. We can get a rent-a-tent if we ever want it covered.

	facing the music You can delay facing up to what's happening and what you've chosen and your brilliant ideas...but not forever. I spoke to my friend who retired today. Friday she said she just wasn't going to worry about it for two weeks. She will probably work again, since financially she'll probably need to, but she was just going to pospone the concern. On a similar note I'm taking Dad to the doctor today and I've just been postponing being concerned about the 'mass' they were concerned about in Xray and CT scan. I will wait until the doctor talks to us, I decide. Then, of course, there are more questions to be answered...with a biopsy and a visit to another doctor. Another reason not to think about it. The tile guys are coming to an end. It's time to face the music about our choice of tile and grout and their 'workmanship' and the tub not being level. You can assume it will come out to suit you until it doesn't. Actually I like it fairly well. At the end you are left with the results, static for a moment and then, of course, instantly deteriorating. In the face of things like doctors, it doesn't seem to matter. And the pergola collapsed today. The tin roof (my bad idea) and the wind and the rotting of the antique columns that supported it had conspired to make it lean. The handyman and helpers tried to stop the collapse but finally had to let it happen. Maybe it would have happened if we'd gotten a new awning instead. Who knows? I'm sanguine about it, pretty much. Looking down at the yard it looks like a UFO landed with the tin roof down. We will have it dismantled and hauled away, we decide, and just leave an electrical outlet. We can get a rent-a-tent if we ever want it covered.
Chalow, poses in the back yard in a chair that we bought at some place I've forgotten at some past time.
JUST TYPING We will wait until it's finished and look at it. We will wait and see what the surgeon says. Don't worry for a week. Two weeks. Wait to worry. Wait to decide. Sometimes you delay the inevitable. Sometimes you don't have to decide. Because events decide for you.
		Food Diary. *breakfast* three egg omelet browned in butter with spinach, green onions and three kinds of cheese banana *lunch* nothing *snacks* aged cheddar cheese tortilla chips a 12 ounce Dr. Pepper *dinner* catfish fried in cornmeal with a little tartar sauce spinach and Parmesan salad with Peppercorn Ranch Today I - didn't drink alcohol but succumbed to a Dr. Pepper - inexplicably cooked an omelet for breakfast (actually it was almost lunch time) and it really filled me up...I wasn't even hungry when I ate my (early) dinner.
		Time flies.... I waited for the tile guys while FFP cleaned up after his workout. Then I went to water aerobics, meeting Dad at the club. At home, I found Dad's information on my computer. He came over with all his pill bottles and we got a list of medicines printed out. [Fortunately, he only takes three drugs. My mother's list was a nightmare. It turns out that, this afternoon, I will write these on a form and then two doctors will ask for it! Geez. I told the one doctor that it was my experience that drug lists were transcribed by hand until they could be screwed up. In spite of having it printed they transcribed it by hand!] I show my dad some Poindexter geneaology on the WEB and we read some stuff and then we leave early for St. David's Pavillion. Good thing, too, because I got us lost once or twice getting to the office. We were still early, though. I filled out all the paperwork and got him to sign it and they copied his insurance cards. This is the first time he's been here. Later, at the inside desk, they will ask if he still has this address and phone number! Yep, we didn't move the guy while we waited and waited and waited some more. Anyway, a nurse took his BP (good). One young punk sort of intern felt Dad's neck and listened to his lungs and heart and poked on his stomach ask questions. And the actual doctor we came to see felt the neck and ask the same questions. Then we saw the CT scan. The mass is big and it has pushed both the wind pipe and the esophagus off center but they are clear. The docs seemed to think that, if this had just popped up, that his voice would have changed or something. It is the same 'color' (shade of gray) as the thyroid which is normal and visible on the other side. [By the way, the orientation of the CT Scan seemed to be in question which gave me pause. "So, they had you on your stomach?" older doctor said. "No..." my dad said in that voice that he uses with me when I'm being silly. This gave me pause when I was agreeing for them to do a 'CT guided' needle biopsy...would they get turned around?] There are all kinds of possibilities. But the one that seems most likely is that this is a mother of a goiter. But it's hard to say. Dad offers that his mother and sister had thyroid problems. So. Then we race downstairs to get blood work before the lab closes...but they've closed early. Then we go back up and they say that he can do it at the hospital before the procedure. And he wants another doctor to see him who may assist if they decide to take this thing out. They are supposed to call him but if they don't, I'm supposed to call them. Sigh. And they make a follow-up appointment here after all that is done. I'm trying to keep up with all that and then they remember to give Dad the CT film so he can take it to the hospital. He will be confused tomorrow about his appointments but, hopefully, I'll have it straight! We ply through the traffic to get to my house and Dad heads straight away to a friend's house for a meal and I go in and FFP has made dinner. We eat and head out to see a preview of The Company which I enjoyed because of the dance, the gal's apartment next to the elevated train in Chicago and the many renditions of Funny Valentine as a theme. The characters weren't hugely developed but you could see a cook and a ballerina hooking up...wait I have seen that here at Ballet Austin. At home I watched the Australian Open a little and read newspapers and worked a few puzzles. Clever use of the words stalactites, stalagmites and complete columns appropriately arranged in the puzzle. I dozed. I finally went to bed.

		Reading. Newspapers. Best Essays of 2003 edited by Anne Fadiman. [Finished with this one.] The Conquerers by Michael Beschloss. Omaha Beach ??? This is a book about why the plan was flawed...it's in my car and I've forgotten the particulars.
		nothing
		Exercise one hour water aerobics
	. .	Doctor's offices are downers...the inevitable decline of material things is disturbing...even seeing things that are 'new' look not just right...and, of course, mortality...all good reasons to to feel low. I think I do a remarkable job of keeping my chin up, given all that.
	It's a Tangled Web we weave...these days of our lives.	One year ago "People want things to be simple but rich and complex. They want complexity and nuance but they want to avoid mess and confusion. This seems contradictory and it is. This tension is the primary driver of modern rich America." Two years ago "I took Mom to the hobby store after that. An elaborate trip to get a package of 99 cent letters although she did end up also buying an address book for her secret pal. Then I took the cell phone back and exchanged it for one that was backlit better and more readable for her. (Teaching her to use new technology is always fun.) "