The Visible Woman...January 12, 2004

Usually things don't keep me awake, but ever once in a while the mind refuses to let things go into the unconsciousness of sleep.

I usually sleep like a baby. But not this night. The day that began with last night, that is.

I don't usually go to bed all that early but then I sleep as if I were innocent, untroubled and unencumbered. If events and worries cause weird dreams, they always seem weird enough to be someone less worrisome than the things that trigger them.

Occasionally, though, I have to hash and rehash things. I worry about bits of the remodel. Is the way they did that wall where the shower head is okay? Why did they make the shelves so short in the linen closet? Will this door clear the toilet? Is it all going to look all right at the end of the day? How about the accessories, furntiure, paint, blinds? Will we like the bed? Will the furniture fit? Are we spending too much money? (Of course we are...it's remodeling!)

I convince myself to go back to the "it will be all right" and "it's not cosmic" and "anyway...you never really get it to be perfect" mode on the remodel.

Then I worry about my sister. There's nothing I can do at this distance. But shouldn't I have sent her a homemade card or something to cheer her up? Will she be all right? Can she avoid the infections and such so common in health care while she rehabs?

I convince myself that there is nothing I can do for my sister and then I start to worry about planning the trip to France. Shouldn't we spend a lot of time in Paris since it is FFP's first trip? Why should we drive all the way to the Alsace for the gourmet dinner...especially when we have to drive back and fly home shortly? How about taking the train to Strasbourg? Can we just rent a car there? Where should I pick up and drop off the car for the Normandy excursion? Should I go there as soon as we arrive even though it's ahead of the rest of the party? If we ride the train, will we have too much stuff? Can I leave luggage with the Paris hotel? How can I help FFP (and myself) pack just the right amount of stuff? Can I convince him to carry a security pouch like I do? Should I order Euros in advance? Why is the dollar so weak? How will the hotel(s) do on laundry? Where will we find an Internet cafe?

When you are lying in bed worrying about doing your laundry on a trip that is months and months away, it is extremely sad. It's true that I'm obsessing because FFP is going. I'm trying to ensure his good time and comfort balanced with the spending. If I were alone, I know I'd have a good time and that I could pack light and make do on the clothes. Not that I wouldn't worry about logistics, of course. I'm always happy when the flights, car rentals, hotels and all other reservations are made and you just go and work out what goes wrong.

At one point I'm thinking about passports and such and I actually get up and go put our passports away in the safe. They were out because I usually take them on domestic trips and secure them separately from our wallets so if we lose a wallet we will have photo ID.

It's ridiculous but there it is. I'm worrying about things I have little influence on or that are months hence. Actually keeping myself awake. The only way to handle the things in my control (trip, remodel) is to attack them, plan them, try to control them, do what you can. The only way to help my sister is to send her my best wishes.

I should sleep on it. But I don't. When I get up, I think that I've only slept a couple of hours. But I know I'll catch up. And I get on with my day.

	exorcising the demons Usually things don't keep me awake, but ever once in a while the mind refuses to let things go into the unconsciousness of sleep. I usually sleep like a baby. But not this night. The day that began with last night, that is. I don't usually go to bed all that early but then I sleep as if I were innocent, untroubled and unencumbered. If events and worries cause weird dreams, they always seem weird enough to be someone less worrisome than the things that trigger them. Occasionally, though, I have to hash and rehash things. I worry about bits of the remodel. Is the way they did that wall where the shower head is okay? Why did they make the shelves so short in the linen closet? Will this door clear the toilet? Is it all going to look all right at the end of the day? How about the accessories, furntiure, paint, blinds? Will we like the bed? Will the furniture fit? Are we spending too much money? (Of course we are...it's remodeling!) I convince myself to go back to the "it will be all right" and "it's not cosmic" and "anyway...you never really get it to be perfect" mode on the remodel. Then I worry about my sister. There's nothing I can do at this distance. But shouldn't I have sent her a homemade card or something to cheer her up? Will she be all right? Can she avoid the infections and such so common in health care while she rehabs? I convince myself that there is nothing I can do for my sister and then I start to worry about planning the trip to France. Shouldn't we spend a lot of time in Paris since it is FFP's first trip? Why should we drive all the way to the Alsace for the gourmet dinner...especially when we have to drive back and fly home shortly? How about taking the train to Strasbourg? Can we just rent a car there? Where should I pick up and drop off the car for the Normandy excursion? Should I go there as soon as we arrive even though it's ahead of the rest of the party? If we ride the train, will we have too much stuff? Can I leave luggage with the Paris hotel? How can I help FFP (and myself) pack just the right amount of stuff? Can I convince him to carry a security pouch like I do? Should I order Euros in advance? Why is the dollar so weak? How will the hotel(s) do on laundry? Where will we find an Internet cafe? When you are lying in bed worrying about doing your laundry on a trip that is months and months away, it is extremely sad. It's true that I'm obsessing because FFP is going. I'm trying to ensure his good time and comfort balanced with the spending. If I were alone, I know I'd have a good time and that I could pack light and make do on the clothes. Not that I wouldn't worry about logistics, of course. I'm always happy when the flights, car rentals, hotels and all other reservations are made and you just go and work out what goes wrong. At one point I'm thinking about passports and such and I actually get up and go put our passports away in the safe. They were out because I usually take them on domestic trips and secure them separately from our wallets so if we lose a wallet we will have photo ID. It's ridiculous but there it is. I'm worrying about things I have little influence on or that are months hence. Actually keeping myself awake. The only way to handle the things in my control (trip, remodel) is to attack them, plan them, try to control them, do what you can. The only way to help my sister is to send her my best wishes. I should sleep on it. But I don't. When I get up, I think that I've only slept a couple of hours. But I know I'll catch up. And I get on with my day.
most of our group on our visit to the Lincoln memorial
JUST TYPING Lying awake. Planning for what can go wrong. Worrying about what already has gone awry. You can't really fix it, figure it, plan it. Prone. Not sleeping. You are just not sleeping.
		Food Diary. *breakfast* nothing *lunch* clementine boiled egg 3/4 ounce Laughing Cow cheese *snacks* chips, cheese, four slices of Turkey bacon about four cups of coffee A Manhattan (sweet vermouth, whiskey) *dinner* two small bowls salad greens, carrots, broccoli, tomato, creamy dressing, Parmesan cheese, green onions salmon with capers (about four ounces) Today I - kept wanting a Coke but didn't have it. - could have had a pork chop and gravy at Dad's but declined.
		Time flies.... When I get up around seven-thiry and let the dog out I can't decide if we should go to water aerobics. It's raining a little. But when I call my dad he's already gone. That settles it. When I'm in my suit and gathering up, the painter arrives. Then a guy who wants to salvage some stone. I rush off for water class. I'm still on time and help remove the cover, get the floats out. After the class, I shower the chlorine off and put on shorts and do my workout. All in all, my trip to the club, including travel time takes about three hours. That's where my time goes. When Dad said goodbye after class, he asked me where his email was (which I have to print for him) and I told him where to find his pile in my office. So when I get home I find him sitting at the breakfast table reading it. We talk, I eat something I call lunch and have some coffee after and look at the paper. He goes home. I get myself together and go to Dad's house and help him make the beds for his company. I look around. Things seem tidy enough for his visitors (two sisters and one of their husbands). I go home. I wash out my bathing suit, sort laundry and start a load and go outside and put some water in the ponds. The poor fish! We are having a drought and one of the ponds would dry up completely if I didn't add water. Then I spend a lot of time looking at cars to rent and train schedules and hotels in Paris. Soon it's time for dinner. I watch Millionaire while I eat. Then I read some papers and work a couple of crosswords and watch To Hell and Back (the Audie Murphy story) for a while and then CSI. Since I had so little sleep last night I'm in bed with a book and asleep before too long. Perhaps I dream but I don't fret.

		Reading. Newspapers. I'm reading that book of letters Eisenhower wrote to Marshall during the war. On the bike. Started The Conquerers by Michael Beschloss...about FDR and Truman as victors over the Axis.
		nothing
		Exercise One hour water aerobics. Forty-six minutes on recumbent bike ab and back exercises
	. .	Physically feel strong. Things feel out of control, though. Other people's illnesses, trip planning and remodeling will do that, I guess. I try to think how lucky I am that I don't have anything physical wrong myself. But, on some days, you look around at others' troubles and just figure...it will be my turn soon enough.
	It's a Tangled Web we weave...these days of our lives.	One year ago "I read a couple of sections of the papers and then fall into watching an awful, predictable baseball and love movie with Freddie Prinz, Jr. called Summer Catch. How and why do I watch such trash?" Two years ago "I decide that the fog in my head isn't going to lift until I swallow one more dose of decongestant. And I do."