The Visible Woman...August 7, 2003

I am on edge today. Partly it is drinking too much last night and partly it is the heat outside which almost turns your stomach after a couple of minutes. There's also the ongoing struggle to rent our building, my continuing worry that I'm not doing enough, fast enough. And a vague tired sensation from exercising a lot yesterday and then today. But part of my anxiety is knowing that a lot of layoffs are happening at my old company. Layoffs are bad for people who are worker bees, regardless of whether they end up in or out. This one seems to be particularly nevve-wracking. I can feel the tension here, at a distance of some miles and over ten months.

One always thinks about if things had been different. If I hadn't left this job when I did but waited for my 55th birtday (which I'd thought about doing)...I'd have scheduled retiring to time with this layoff or a couple of weeks hence. It wouldn't have been a pleasant ten months. As much as I flog myself for what I haven't done or accomplished...this has been way better than working except for the not earning any money part.

Why live if you can't try to be healthy, read books, think about writing, enjoy good food and wine and time for reflection? Working at the right job can enhance your life, make you money and promote your enjoyment of the rest of your life. But working for a lot of corporations around today can suck the very life from you and leave you with just money to show for your efforts. If you need the money, you've got to do it, of course. And that was the position I was in for many years. Not working just wasn't an option. I'm glad it is now.

Of course, I wish I was doing more with my leisure.

Thursday, August 7, 2003

A Journal from Austin, Texas. A Project of LBFFP Stealth Publishing.
food	reading	writing	time	exercise	health and mood

. a visible frog...for sale on ebay	nerves at a distance I am on edge today. Partly it is drinking too much last night and partly it is the heat outside which almost turns your stomach after a couple of minutes. There's also the ongoing struggle to rent our building, my continuing worry that I'm not doing enough, fast enough. And a vague tired sensation from exercising a lot yesterday and then today. But part of my anxiety is knowing that a lot of layoffs are happening at my old company. Layoffs are bad for people who are worker bees, regardless of whether they end up in or out. This one seems to be particularly nevve-wracking. I can feel the tension here, at a distance of some miles and over ten months. One always thinks about if things had been different. If I hadn't left this job when I did but waited for my 55th birtday (which I'd thought about doing)...I'd have scheduled retiring to time with this layoff or a couple of weeks hence. It wouldn't have been a pleasant ten months. As much as I flog myself for what I haven't done or accomplished...this has been way better than working except for the not earning any money part. Why live if you can't try to be healthy, read books, think about writing, enjoy good food and wine and time for reflection? Working at the right job can enhance your life, make you money and promote your enjoyment of the rest of your life. But working for a lot of corporations around today can suck the very life from you and leave you with just money to show for your efforts. If you need the money, you've got to do it, of course. And that was the position I was in for many years. Not working just wasn't an option. I'm glad it is now. Of course, I wish I was doing more with my leisure.
JUST TYPING Layoffs. Cuts. Downsizing. Restructuring. Axing. Slashing. Or as a friend coined: Outsizing.
		Food Diary. some carrots a medium baked potato with chopped yellow squash, green onions, cheddar cheese and non-fat White Mountain yogurt. Some 1993 Domaine Drouhin Laurene from Oregon and some 1990 Silver Oak Cab. Yum. a salad of tuna, boiled quails eggs a couple of rolls. and butter. About five ounces of rare tuna filet with a bean relish thing Part of a cheese plate with some little toasty things and apples and, of course, cheese
		Time flies.... When I got up (not all that early...7;30) I tidied up the house and got things ready for a meeting FFP was having. I hid in my office with the dog and finished my journal and read some of the paper pile. I tidied up after the meeting and finally got to the club around 10:30. At noon I was shopping in Randall's on Exposition...it is a kind of Randall's convenience store and great when you don't want anything too complicated and don't want to wander all over one of the huge stores. I got bread and dips and vegies for making snacks for Dad's senior group at church. Then I spent time fixing my own lunch. When I worked, I went out to lunch a lot which took time but I didn't mess up my own kitchen and instead spent the time chatting with friends or shopping. Now I make my lunch a lot, simple though it is, and clean up. i often get into doing things around the house (loading/unloading dishwasher, puting things away, sorting mail). I don't eat at home so much because of the money. I just like it. But it is time that I'm not writing or making my office livable, etc. etc. And, frankly, I spent time today worrying over people at my old work place. Which is silly. Out of my control entirely. We socialized with an out-of-town client in the evening. It was fun but one spends hours socializing.

		Reading. Moliie & Other War Pieces by A.J. Leibling. He is advancing in France with the troops now. One man's prespective is always a lot more interesting than the 'facts.' Read a bunch of stuff in the newspapers I was trying to get discarded. Ex-CEO of old company has a couple acting as concierge on his ranch. Mike Tyson, in spite of making around 400 million in his career is bankrupt. An article about whether patenting software and business models helps or hurts innovation is interesting. Hurts, I think. Anything with too many lawyers involved turns me off pretty fast: bankruptcy, patents, etc.
		I have decided that, to write anything more than the journal, I have to accept the journal as a baseline. A necessity. A nasty habit that must be satisfied.
		Exercise Thirty minutes bike. Arm exercises. Thirty minutes bike.
		106/76 94 Physically I'm OK except for feeling I had to much to drink last night. Emotionally I am only troubled by the way things are all so beyond your control.