AUSTIN, Texas, June 10, 2005 — One thing I do is spend my whole life getting ready to be who I am. I'll learn this and then I'll be able to do that. I'll develop better habits and then the bed will always be made, I'll know where my keys are, I'll weight less and have more muscle, my possessions will be neatly arranged. I'm always going someplace, not getting there.

Then there is the "I'll worry about that as soon as" syndrome. "As soon as Dad gets better, I'll worry about my own health checks." "As soon as this event is over, I'll plan the other one."

I'm quite sure that a lot of people live this way as opposed to 'in the moment,' just worrying about (or enjoying) what is in front of them.

I don't know why I think of this today. Once again I needed to work out early enough to get somewhere else at a reasonable time. I'd promised I'd pick Dad up before 11:30 and take him to lunch with my friend SuRu. I also wanted to run an errand. I'd finished reviewing a stack of films for AFF and I wanted to exchange them and watch another group over the weekend. Last year I was trying to get a badge. This year I'm just trying to help them out. And trying to learn more about acting, directing, set decoration, etc. by watching. Seeing some duds actually is very educational. Also, the documentaries are all an education even those that you might not try to send up the line for possible inclusion in the festival. By the way, multiple people watch the films initially and ones that receive some 'yeses' and some 'nos' usually get watched in a film meeting or by a programmer to see whether they are eliminated or stay in consideration. It was at a meeting that I saw the one and only film last year during pre-screening that made AFF. Although I did see a film that made a different festival! Lots and lots of films are submitted. It's amazing. I'm going to miss the first film meeting, sadly. And it isn't because I always say 'no' to passing to another round. I think I probably say 'yes' more often than other reviewers given the film meeting comments I heard.

Anyway, my real life today takes me to the gym pretty early where I do the exercise bike and ab and lower back exercises. I went home and showered and dressed and gathered up my bag of films and review sheets and went to the AFF office. I put a quarter in the meter out front and went in and put down the films I'd checked out in a book. The feature programmer picked a few films for me to watch. He included documentaries which were piling up even though he has a compatriot responsible for programming them. I pointed out a few things about the films I was returning. I had to hustle off with my new bag of DVDs and videos and get Dad.

He was ready to go and we made the restaurant (Z'Tejas North) a little earlier than SuRu. Dad sat down on a bench with his walker in front of him. A woman sitting on the other side of it looked at the walker. He said, "It's terrible to be struck down in the prime of your life." It was loud and she didn't hear him. (I think she was a little surprised he spoke to her.) He repeated himself and I laughed and she did, too, self-consciously.

SuRu came and we had lunch and discussed mutual friends who'd lost their jobs (one laid off and another apparently fired) and work and retirement and trips. Dad had trouble participating in the conversation because the place is so loud and it was quite full. He tried, though, and told SuRu about his physical therapy and that he was loaning his van to friends for a car trip later in the summer. He paid the bill, too, to pay back SuRu for bringing him food when he was down.

I took Dad home and ask if he wanted me to go to PT with him. But he said 'no' and so I went home and started watching my movies.

It's amazing what people will make movies about and also it's amazing what people will film when they want to make a movie but really have no idea what to make a movie about. Of course, that's just my impression. I'm just doing things like volunteering to watch these movies and going to festivals and trying to rent things through Netflix to update my knowledge of movies past until I decide to do something myself. Right.

FFP goes off to a meeting. The phone rings several times, the doorbell rings (or does it? was it on the movie?) just as the phone rings. Most of the callers want FFP but one is calling to discuss a dinner Sunday night. You would think you could sit and quietly watch without interruptions. Real life, though, is happening for other people. FFP comes home. I tell him of the calls, keep watching.

We are invited down the street for a party to celebrate the end of the garden party series that we were part of. Our yard that is. It is for the committee and they have invited people who allowed their gardens to be used. Earlier in the day I put six or seven bottle of bubbly they had left here Saturday into the frig from the wine closet. I box that up and we pick a couple of bottles of red and cart it down to the neighbors. Now these folks really have a fancy yard and every little pot and edge is knocked into shape. I talk to a few people, walk around getting attacked by a few bugs. We eat and I eat too much. They have sort of a variant on Frito chili pie with a few extra ingredients and a shrimp and avocado dish and some fruit and cheese. They serve cobbler and ice cream and I eat it. That put me over the top. I just drink a tiny bit of red wine. Maybe a regular glass. They pass out rewards to the committee, little presents and talk about how much money they've raised. We weren't part of their original plan but were pressed into the schedule just before the publicity because someone dropped out. The folks who own this house, our neighbors a few blocks away, asked us to do it. They've done us a lot of favors so what could we say?

I go to parties like this to check them off the list, see people and find out what they are doing and to prime people to promote my own causes. Not that Austin Lyric Opera isn't a cause of mine. We donate a little to them. But we don't solicit donations for them really. It seems that for charities there is this same group of people donating time and money, constantly being drawn from and looking for new blood. Especially for the arts. But even for things like Aids Services of Austin there is overlap. Donors tapped and tapped again. The challenge is to keep those folks giving and to find some new donors with 'capacity.' (That's the fundraising code word for having the ability to write a check of a certain size.) The Austin Lyric Opera has staked out this garden tour as a fundraiser that will contribute a certain percentage of their budget. Personally, I don't like to be on committees that arrange sponsorship, sell tickets, etc. I don't mind the house or yard being a venue now and then. That's just like having a party myself only I don't have to do everything. I'm always amazed at how much these guilds and volunteers will do, how much labor they put into events to get people to open their wallets. I guess it's all worth it. The organizations have to have all these sources of funds to labor on.

We leave around nine and go home. We run through a few quiz shows off the DVR and I watch some of my film fest entries. We stay up too late. But tomorrow my real life will be entirely up to me. We have no appointments or parties, no dinners with friends. No plans to do anything. It's election day (a City Council runoff) but I've already voted early. Yep, tomorrow if I waste the day I will have no excuse!