The Visible Woman...January 30, 2004

It's work and, of course, it's worth it. Most of the time. But isn't it funny how some you maintain and some just wither? Sometimes there are reasons that are abundantly clear, sometimes it almost seems to be an accident.

We are social animals. Most of us surround ourselves with rings of associates from intimate to peripheral. No one goes on Who Wants to be a Millionaire without friends to phone.

Breakups of the interior circle are usually profound, heart-wrenching things. Just as the death of a spouse or lover or child or best friend is sometimes life-altering.

At the outer reaches of the circle, things are more subtle.

With friends and associates there are understandings of various sorts. We will meet for a meal now and then; we will write letters or e-mail; we will phone; we will do favors for one another and count on each other for advice, help and counsel; we will give to each other's causes. Sometimes we have a friend who might be described as a 'tennis buddy' or a 'Bridge partner.' Maybe an 'eXtreme dog walking' partner'. Sometimes we have business partners. Mostly our friends surround us at social events and expand the reach of our imaginations.

Things happen to tarnish and tear at these relationships. One player in a tennis buddy relationship gets a new squeeze or a hurt knee. You are still friends, but without the tennis...and a lot depended on the tennis.

Sometimes someone commits an act to sever the relationship. I have a friend who expanded my thinking in many ways. She was artistic, adventurous, opinionated, funny, handy with tools. I liked all of that. She did many things for me, gave me lots of stuff. Neat, handmade things. I took her on a trip as my guest. I tried to do things for her. One day, I knew she was mad about something. She wouldn't say. Now she won't answer an e-mail. I'm curious and I really don't want to say that this relationship is lost forever. But it seems to be.

I have another friend (a reader) who is an old friend (since college) and who (along with her husband) are neat people...nice, smart and funny. However, it appears that neither they nor I are willing to go out of our way to see each other unless their son is getting married. Which he is obliging to do a second time. I feel they should try to see me when visiting Austin (where their son lives) but if I visit Dallas I don't make time to go to the Ft. Worth area to see them. I just don't make it a priority. Sad, but there it is. There are all these relatives to keep up with and friends here in Austin who share my interests. So I send a holiday card and exchange an occasional e-mail. We try, we are cordial, no one did anything.

It's not the distance that's the killer really. My friend in Cape Town, South Africa is far away. But we work at the e-mail exchange to keep up. If she doesn't feel like e-mailing she will even ask someone else to do it. I'm not always great about e-mailing her frequently but I try. (Before I did a journal I would e-mail her a lot and just recount my life.) Anyway, I feel like we are as close as we can be given all the factors. We have visited each other, met in places around the world. We write, we send snail mail occasionally, we have met and worry about each other's families.

I have had many friends where work kept us in touch and maybe spurred us to socialize otherwise. I still keep up with two people who worked with me over thirty years ago. The hook is travel. In fact, we are planning to do part of a trip together this summer. Not that I talk to these people every day or anything. But they are friends, important friends.

We are acquainted with so many people. The people we went out with tonight call and we go places. The couple invites us to their home for food and fun. We reciprocate. We dine out.

Relationships take maintenance. Today at tennis I played with several people I know a little. But we don't get together except at these things organized by the club.

It seems so random...who we keep up with, who we drift apart from. It's rare that there is a seminal event that creates the drift. The further from the inner circle of intimates the less likely that is, I think. We seem to have a limit of connections that gets sort of randomly filled.

	maintaining relationships It's work and, of course, it's worth it. Most of the time. But isn't it funny how some you maintain and some just wither? Sometimes there are reasons that are abundantly clear, sometimes it almost seems to be an accident. We are social animals. Most of us surround ourselves with rings of associates from intimate to peripheral. No one goes on Who Wants to be a Millionaire without friends to phone. Breakups of the interior circle are usually profound, heart-wrenching things. Just as the death of a spouse or lover or child or best friend is sometimes life-altering. At the outer reaches of the circle, things are more subtle. With friends and associates there are understandings of various sorts. We will meet for a meal now and then; we will write letters or e-mail; we will phone; we will do favors for one another and count on each other for advice, help and counsel; we will give to each other's causes. Sometimes we have a friend who might be described as a 'tennis buddy' or a 'Bridge partner.' Maybe an 'eXtreme dog walking' partner'. Sometimes we have business partners. Mostly our friends surround us at social events and expand the reach of our imaginations. Things happen to tarnish and tear at these relationships. One player in a tennis buddy relationship gets a new squeeze or a hurt knee. You are still friends, but without the tennis...and a lot depended on the tennis. Sometimes someone commits an act to sever the relationship. I have a friend who expanded my thinking in many ways. She was artistic, adventurous, opinionated, funny, handy with tools. I liked all of that. She did many things for me, gave me lots of stuff. Neat, handmade things. I took her on a trip as my guest. I tried to do things for her. One day, I knew she was mad about something. She wouldn't say. Now she won't answer an e-mail. I'm curious and I really don't want to say that this relationship is lost forever. But it seems to be. I have another friend (a reader) who is an old friend (since college) and who (along with her husband) are neat people...nice, smart and funny. However, it appears that neither they nor I are willing to go out of our way to see each other unless their son is getting married. Which he is obliging to do a second time. I feel they should try to see me when visiting Austin (where their son lives) but if I visit Dallas I don't make time to go to the Ft. Worth area to see them. I just don't make it a priority. Sad, but there it is. There are all these relatives to keep up with and friends here in Austin who share my interests. So I send a holiday card and exchange an occasional e-mail. We try, we are cordial, no one did anything. It's not the distance that's the killer really. My friend in Cape Town, South Africa is far away. But we work at the e-mail exchange to keep up. If she doesn't feel like e-mailing she will even ask someone else to do it. I'm not always great about e-mailing her frequently but I try. (Before I did a journal I would e-mail her a lot and just recount my life.) Anyway, I feel like we are as close as we can be given all the factors. We have visited each other, met in places around the world. We write, we send snail mail occasionally, we have met and worry about each other's families. I have had many friends where work kept us in touch and maybe spurred us to socialize otherwise. I still keep up with two people who worked with me over thirty years ago. The hook is travel. In fact, we are planning to do part of a trip together this summer. Not that I talk to these people every day or anything. But they are friends, important friends. We are acquainted with so many people. The people we went out with tonight call and we go places. The couple invites us to their home for food and fun. We reciprocate. We dine out. Relationships take maintenance. Today at tennis I played with several people I know a little. But we don't get together except at these things organized by the club. It seems so random...who we keep up with, who we drift apart from. It's rare that there is a seminal event that creates the drift. The further from the inner circle of intimates the less likely that is, I think. We seem to have a limit of connections that gets sort of randomly filled.
entropy (well, wood rot)...happens to the best of things
JUST TYPING You have lunch. Or dinner. Attend an event. Invite people over. Write e-mail or letters. Send annual cards. Help their causes. Beg for yours. Play tennis. Share. Building and maintaining a relationship. Repainting, recovering like a remodel. One day you realize that the relationship is obsolete, worn out, unrecoverable. Or you realize that it is still up to the task, still viable, useful, fun, sturdy. There is however some mystery about it.
		Food Diary. *breakfast* nothing *lunch* nothing *snacks* five cups of coffee a small cinnamon roll Clementine various cheese a couple of crackers carrots green onions several glasses of red wine dinner [El Chile] two small spicy beers with lime juice a glass of red wine chile relleno chips, salsa flour tortilla bite of a brownie dessert Today I - drank too much (again) - couldn't find time to eat early in the day.
		Time flies.... I had signed up for this tennis thing...hoping that things wouldn't still be crazy around here. Yeah, right. Well, FFP got back from the club and I went. There would only be a small gap when he went to an interview and before I got back. My group in the tennis deal played a little longer than the others. It's terrible to be retired and then be rushed about such things. Anyway. When I got back, before the floor guys were supposed to arrive, they were delivering material but our trusted cousin brother workmen were here, working on the dismantling of the failed pergola and replacing rotten boards on the shed. We talk about the tile screw-ups, the wood floor and how we want to do it...we decide that because they have created thresholds to the bath it would be better to go over the old floor we were going to save. It is that unhappy time when you start to think that the project will never end and, if it does, it will never satisfy you. But no one is going to work today. Just 'look' and deliver materials because the floor guys are busy somewhere in Taylor. The contractor comes and we discuss it with him. Forrest goes to the bank. Then to get gas. More material is delivered to do the project differently but they only send one guy and he can't get the plywood sheets into the house so he puts them in the garage. FFP was gone, he loses...they are in his side of the garage.. I have to grab a shower and get ready by five when a friend is coming by and we are going to dinner before a show. Finally get that done and we are off in the traffic. The place (El Chile) is busy but we get a table and enjoy the food and the company. We are way early for the show (Pageant) so we go over to Christopher House and I show them the nice public areas and the piano. My friend who plays says she may volunteer to come and sing and play if they would like. We go to the Arts on Real across the street and get our tickets and stand around drinking and FFP interviews one of our companions for his column. When the theater opens we go in. I see one of my dad's neighbors. A woman falls down in the aisle and it takes about twenty minutes to get EMS and take her away. She seems OK. A little drunk perhaps. And it was quite a fall...she could be hurt. And the rest of us drink a little more while waiting. I talk to my dad's neighbor about neighborly projects like dead trees and fences. The show is fun and we laugh and cheer. It's late and we go home and we are pretty much finished.

		Reading. Newspapers. The Conquerers by Michael Beschloss. (I actually am not making a lot of progress on this one. Because I don't take it to the gym.) Omaha Beach; A Flawed Victory by ??? (Didn't read it today...no bike time and no down time, it seems.)
		nothing
		Exercise some tennis doubles...but it wasn't really exercise, was it? Nope. It's what you do exercise so that you can do.
	. .	The remodel is depressing me, for sure.
	It's a Tangled Web we weave...these days of our lives.	One year ago "It's funny, I thought lunch dates would be easy but it's hard to emerge from my life of sloth and be dressed and ready sometimes." Two years ago "And none of it really bothers me at all.'"