The Visible Woman...January 24, 2004

let the mystery be

In Big Fish the Edward Bloom character (Albert Finney, old; Ewan McGregor, young) claims that, as a child, he sees how he will die in a witch's glass eye. Sometimes I wonder about where I will end it. I did today.

Maybe because of the movie. Maybe because a friend died yesterday and we saw the notice in this morning's paper. Maybe because I read a letter my grandmother wrote a month before she died. She is speaking about someone (I think maybe a half brother who was eighty-nine at the time) and says, "he is 89 years old and time is running out on us all." (I believe her time ran out in a month and his in three or four years.)

It's easy to imagine that you will live lots longer at fifty-five. It must seem lots closer to the end at eighty-seven (Dad) or ninety-three (FFP's Dad). Or does it? Since you don't know, does it still seem to have no end? How about when you are at Christopher House? (Local Austin Hospice Hospital.) If you can still consider your predicament then do you realize that almost no one leaves again without the services of the undertaker. (I still remember the guy from All Faiths who came for mother. This low bidder for the local embalming service of Restland in Dallas arrived in an ill-fitting cheap black suit and was a type-cast undertaker.)

In the movie, Big Fish, Edward Bloom was courageous in the face of danger because he had seen his death and if the current scenario in which he found himself wasn't it then why worry? But we don't really know, do we? And he probably didn't either. It was a fantasy.

I've picked some of the music for my memorial service. If you outlive me and come to this event, you may hear a live singer or a CD of Billie Holiday singing 'For All We Know."

"We won't say goodbye until the last minute. I'll hold out my hand and my heart will be in it. For all we know this may only be a dream. We come and go like the ripple on a stream. So love me tonight, tomorrow was made for some. Tomorrow may never come, for all we know."

For all we know this may only be a dream. But, as far as we know, it ends one way. But when? And how? That's the mystery. So maybe I'll have this Iris Dement song as well. FFP introduced me to this one and the chorus about sums it up:

"Everybody is wondering what and where they they all came from
everybody is worryin' 'bout where they're gonna go
when the whole thing's done
but no one knows for certain
and so it's all the same to me
I think I'll just let the mystery be
I think I'll just let the mystery be"

Personally I like the gray scale appearance of the developing bathroom but it is rather scary that converted to gray scale (below) it looks about the same. Forrest is worried that it will be too dull even with his ruby red accent plans.

JUST TYPING

Rainy day.
Can fuel emotion.
Or is it what happens?
Whose voice you hear?
Whose old letter you read?
That two line death notice?

Food Diary.

breakfast

three cups of coffee

lunch

banana
baked potato with lots of nonfat yogurt, several handfuls of shredded cheddar, broccoli, green onions and chopped jalapeno
Clementine

snacks

Brandy

dinner
[Zoot]

foie gras with apple
split pea soup
rack of lamb with olives and some other stuff
a bit of cheese
a bit of creme brule
coffee

Today I
- should have had more vegies but felt good abou the baked potato with 'stuff.' (To heck with Atkins!)

Time flies....

Spent a lot of the day being the 'stay at home and watch the subcontractor' person. But I got letters and e-mails written. I fooled around with an ancient laptop to see if it could be put to any good use (conclusion: no, not really). I talked to my dad. FFP was off chopping vegetation for the new ballet building. I fixed him stuff when he got home. I finally got off to the gym and had a workout and then cleaned up for our dinner out. Our friends came back by here to see the remodel and talk and see Chalow. It was a rainy Saturday and in spite of little visible accomplishment by me (the tile guy made great progress and FFP said he and his crew did, too) I felt good about the day.

Reading.

Newspapers.

Best Essays of 2003 edited by Anne Fadiman.

The Conquerers by Michael Beschloss.

nothing

Exercise

one hour on recumbent bike
abs, lower back, stretches

Mood was upbeat today...I scheduled a lunch in Dallas with friends in February, I wrote letters to aunts and an e-mail to my friend in South Africa and e-mails to my cousin in Dallas and his wife. I had a nice dinner with friends and it felt like enough. Yep, I was thinking about mortality and where it would all end but sometimes that just forces me to enjoy life.

I felt good physically. Working out after eating a baked potato is easier than after nachos.

It's a Tangled
Web we weave...these
days of our lives.

One year ago
"Which explains the two dark figures streaking across the backyard while I ate breakfast. I knew it was black cat from unknown parts but who was chasing it?"

Two years ago
"I buy a jar of jalapenos as big as my head and some shredded cheese. Because it's so cheap I stock up on some other cheese. And I go back to work and eat a big plate of nachos, using the company's free chips. "

	let the mystery be In Big Fish the Edward Bloom character (Albert Finney, old; Ewan McGregor, young) claims that, as a child, he sees how he will die in a witch's glass eye. Sometimes I wonder about where I will end it. I did today. Maybe because of the movie. Maybe because a friend died yesterday and we saw the notice in this morning's paper. Maybe because I read a letter my grandmother wrote a month before she died. She is speaking about someone (I think maybe a half brother who was eighty-nine at the time) and says, "he is 89 years old and time is running out on us all." (I believe her time ran out in a month and his in three or four years.) It's easy to imagine that you will live lots longer at fifty-five. It must seem lots closer to the end at eighty-seven (Dad) or ninety-three (FFP's Dad). Or does it? Since you don't know, does it still seem to have no end? How about when you are at Christopher House? (Local Austin Hospice Hospital.) If you can still consider your predicament then do you realize that almost no one leaves again without the services of the undertaker. (I still remember the guy from All Faiths who came for mother. This low bidder for the local embalming service of Restland in Dallas arrived in an ill-fitting cheap black suit and was a type-cast undertaker.) In the movie, Big Fish, Edward Bloom was courageous in the face of danger because he had seen his death and if the current scenario in which he found himself wasn't it then why worry? But we don't really know, do we? And he probably didn't either. It was a fantasy. I've picked some of the music for my memorial service. If you outlive me and come to this event, you may hear a live singer or a CD of Billie Holiday singing 'For All We Know." "We won't say goodbye until the last minute. I'll hold out my hand and my heart will be in it. For all we know this may only be a dream. We come and go like the ripple on a stream. So love me tonight, tomorrow was made for some. Tomorrow may never come, for all we know." For all we know this may only be a dream. But, as far as we know, it ends one way. But when? And how? That's the mystery. So maybe I'll have this Iris Dement song as well. FFP introduced me to this one and the chorus about sums it up: "Everybody is wondering what and where they they all came from everybody is worryin' 'bout where they're gonna go when the whole thing's done but no one knows for certain and so it's all the same to me I think I'll just let the mystery be I think I'll just let the mystery be"
Personally I like the gray scale appearance of the developing bathroom but it is rather scary that converted to gray scale (below) it looks about the same. Forrest is worried that it will be too dull even with his ruby red accent plans.
JUST TYPING Rainy day. Can fuel emotion. Or is it what happens? Whose voice you hear? Whose old letter you read? That two line death notice?
		Food Diary. *breakfast* three cups of coffee *lunch* banana baked potato with lots of nonfat yogurt, several handfuls of shredded cheddar, broccoli, green onions and chopped jalapeno Clementine *snacks* Brandy dinner [Zoot] foie gras with apple split pea soup rack of lamb with olives and some other stuff a bit of cheese a bit of creme brule coffee Today I - should have had more vegies but felt good abou the baked potato with 'stuff.' (To heck with Atkins!)
		Time flies.... Spent a lot of the day being the 'stay at home and watch the subcontractor' person. But I got letters and e-mails written. I fooled around with an ancient laptop to see if it could be put to any good use (conclusion: no, not really). I talked to my dad. FFP was off chopping vegetation for the new ballet building. I fixed him stuff when he got home. I finally got off to the gym and had a workout and then cleaned up for our dinner out. Our friends came back by here to see the remodel and talk and see Chalow. It was a rainy Saturday and in spite of little visible accomplishment by me (the tile guy made great progress and FFP said he and his crew did, too) I felt good about the day.

		Reading. Newspapers. Best Essays of 2003 edited by Anne Fadiman. The Conquerers by Michael Beschloss.
		nothing
		Exercise one hour on recumbent bike abs, lower back, stretches
	. .	Mood was upbeat today...I scheduled a lunch in Dallas with friends in February, I wrote letters to aunts and an e-mail to my friend in South Africa and e-mails to my cousin in Dallas and his wife. I had a nice dinner with friends and it felt like enough. Yep, I was thinking about mortality and where it would all end but sometimes that just forces me to enjoy life. I felt good physically. Working out after eating a baked potato is easier than after nachos.
	It's a Tangled Web we weave...these days of our lives.	One year ago "Which explains the two dark figures streaking across the backyard while I ate breakfast. I knew it was black cat from unknown parts but who was chasing it?" Two years ago "I buy a jar of jalapenos as big as my head and some shredded cheese. Because it's so cheap I stock up on some other cheese. And I go back to work and eat a big plate of nachos, using the company's free chips. "