The Visible Woman...December 29, 2003

I feel like things are closing in on me. That I don't really have choices although I have more than I have ever had.

Someone said the other day, vis-a-vis the building we are allegedly closing tomorrow and offers that continue to flow in..."people always want what they can't have."

That's it exactly. If you have the freedom to go to the gym (and end up missing the inspector for the house but so what) then you aren't thinking about that. You are wondering why you don't have time to play tennis or write a novel. You wonder why someone else can just up and go to Paris.

You just always want what you can't have. Or what you can have but just don't jump on. You want the things you are simply too lazy to do.

I've been thinking about a couple of friends who have obviously slipped away from me. Either because or something I did or they perceive that I did...or for no reason at all. Maybe they just don't have time for me. Why are these two people important? Precisely because I can't have them? Maybe so. We always want the freedom to decide where we'll go and who we will be with. It makes us nervous that others can walk away from us. This is even true for people who are good at being alone like yours truly.

I know people envy me...up late, daily workouts, reading, sitting here banging on the computer pretending an online journal is a life's work. Because they have to do something else, have to go to work or feel they must. Have less money, more responsibility. Have to take care of people.

The secret to happiness, my dad says, is liking what you have. I must figure that out again.

	where's the freedom? Retired, few responsibilities. Where's the feeling of freedom? I feel like things are closing in on me. That I don't really have choices although I have more than I have ever had. Someone said the other day, vis-a-vis the building we are allegedly closing tomorrow and offers that continue to flow in..."people always want what they can't have." That's it exactly. If you have the freedom to go to the gym (and end up missing the inspector for the house but so what) then you aren't thinking about that. You are wondering why you don't have time to play tennis or write a novel. You wonder why someone else can just up and go to Paris. You just always want what you can't have. Or what you can have but just don't jump on. You want the things you are simply too lazy to do. I've been thinking about a couple of friends who have obviously slipped away from me. Either because or something I did or they perceive that I did...or for no reason at all. Maybe they just don't have time for me. Why are these two people important? Precisely because I can't have them? Maybe so. We always want the freedom to decide where we'll go and who we will be with. It makes us nervous that others can walk away from us. This is even true for people who are good at being alone like yours truly. I know people envy me...up late, daily workouts, reading, sitting here banging on the computer pretending an online journal is a life's work. Because they have to do something else, have to go to work or feel they must. Have less money, more responsibility. Have to take care of people. The secret to happiness, my dad says, is liking what you have. I must figure that out again.
anything an ornament
JUST TYPING Freedom. I want to be able to spontaneously book a flight. Go wherever. Not scheduled. I want to get up and stretch and decide what to do. Waste a whole day sipping coffee, reading, watching people. It's me that says I can't.
		Food Diary. *breakfast* nothing *lunch* turkey, dressing, potatoes, gravy, waldorf salad, goat cheese *snacks* xxx dinner [Cafe Caprice] too much wine too much bread and butter shrimp salad roasted apple soup smoked pork loin and dressing and baby turnips a tart Today I - overindulged but then that's what wine dinners are all about.
		Time flies.... I am at the club for water aerobics early. After I do some workout and shower and I'm home by 11. I eat and clean up and fold laundry. Then I vegetate. No other way to describe it. Read the day's papers, work the puzzles, think, fret, do nothing.

		Reading. Dawn of D-Day: There Men Were There 6 June 1944 by David Howarth on the bike. He tries to link the individual stories together and it works pretty well. Michelin Green Guide to Washington, D.C.; The Best American Essays 2003 edited by Anne Fadiman is pending as is a book someone loaned me about Roosevelt and Truman called The Conquerers. Newspapers. Today's newspapers. And the magazine from yesterday's New York Times.
		I met someone who really does write today. That always makes me feel worse.
		Exercise one hour water aerobics thirty-one minutes recumbent bike chest, shoulder and triceps exercises
	. .	I feel good physically but depressed and responsible for things I don't control.
	It's a Tangled Web we weave...these days of our lives.	One year ago "There was a time when it bothered me that you had to miss this to do that." Two years ago "We talk to our host about the great, yawning span of retirement time coming. After my 'vacation at home' I think I know what that is going to feel like. I think it's going to be good."