The Visible Woman...October 16, 2003

The markets take down ticks as well as up ones. Today I felt a down tick. I got over it but something else set me off.

I should have gotten up sooner but I went to bed too late. Between 7:08 and 7:10, I thought an enormous amount of time went by...I must have fallen into a dream.

Then I realized that FFP was having his marketing meeting for Ballet Austin here this morning. So I had to clean up the papers piled by my chair in the big room.

That always makes me feel sad. Because I don't get them read in a timely fashion, because the world is an ugly place of death and destruction, because I care so little for the business sections.

My workout felt good but I thought about how much time it takes...with the travel time to the club it takes almost two hours.

I am thinking about WEB Writers Weekend and whether it will be worth the time spent. And I'm thinking about how my office is a disaster area and needs my attention. And how I need to pick out paint and fixtures and tile and how, in the end, I will wish I had done something different.

I am thinking about how I wish, in a way, we didn't have a big house and a yard...just less stuff.

If you are looking for a downer, you can find one.

I even have to go back to the dentist. Just for a cleaning but still.

I visit a cemetery. I see a movie where two men battle depression. (Austin Film Festival showing of Off the Map. Comes out in March. It's Bagdad Cafe with an IRS man from Brooklyn instead of a frau from Rosenheim. And no cafe because the highway is miles away.)

It's funny. Just the smallest things tweak your mood. Or maybe it is just chemicals in your brain. Some people don't have the juice to be happy, no matter what. To make it through.

Oh...there is a scene in Off the Map that touches on something that has been informing my thinking lately about the world we live in. It is the seventies and drugs for depression are much more brute force. The depressed guy, Charlie, is facing a pill on the table his wife wants him to take. He doesn't like pills. He is used to living with the things at hand, given by land and flora and fanna, natural cures from his wife's Indian grandmother. His wife is so desperate against his deep depression that she is for it. The pill is on the table, so central in the scene that the actors fade.

I like the way that scene takes the pill seriously. The film admits that the problem might be amenable to drugs but clocks the problems and psychology of drugs, too.

I have noticed lately that as cigarettes and alcohol disappear from advertising or the companies are forced to advertise against themselves that drugs are promoted albeit with a page of fine print or a fast-paced voice over of possible headaches, constipation, death and dismemberment (Ok, maybe not, maybe that's if you don't manage your diabetes). Anyway, one can begin to feel less whole if one isn't swallowing stuff. Acid reflux? I quit work. Digestive difficulties? I quit work and started exercising. Allergies? I altered my diet until they declined to a manageble place. Maybe you need pills if you don't quit work.

Now I know caffeine and alcohol are drugs. And I've even started to watch these substances. (Yes, you may say...you watch them enter your body.) But I haven't swallowed a pill in weeks or months. And I'm proud of it. I'm thankful for the drugs that have prolonged my sister's life, that allowed my mother another twenty-five years. I'm happy that my friends with cancer had drugs to effect cures or remissions. But I still think we are being pushed to think ourselves incomplete without a prescription or a 'now available over the counter in a powerful formula' drugs. And it's not just spam about viagra and online prescriptions...it's doctors, drug companies and the press. Even Rush is addicted to pain killers.

Pills. Just say no if you can.

</diatribe>

Thursday, October 16, 2003

A Journal from Austin, Texas. A Project of LBFFP Stealth Publishing.
food	reading	writing	time	exercise	health and mood

. look and feel beautiful instantly with...better teeth...um, yeah, right	down tick and diatribe The markets take down ticks as well as up ones. Today I felt a down tick. I got over it but something else set me off. I should have gotten up sooner but I went to bed too late. Between 7:08 and 7:10, I thought an enormous amount of time went by...I must have fallen into a dream. Then I realized that FFP was having his marketing meeting for Ballet Austin here this morning. So I had to clean up the papers piled by my chair in the big room. That always makes me feel sad. Because I don't get them read in a timely fashion, because the world is an ugly place of death and destruction, because I care so little for the business sections. My workout felt good but I thought about how much time it takes...with the travel time to the club it takes almost two hours. I am thinking about WEB Writers Weekend and whether it will be worth the time spent. And I'm thinking about how my office is a disaster area and needs my attention. And how I need to pick out paint and fixtures and tile and how, in the end, I will wish I had done something different. I am thinking about how I wish, in a way, we didn't have a big house and a yard...just less stuff. If you are looking for a downer, you can find one. I even have to go back to the dentist. Just for a cleaning but still. I visit a cemetery. I see a movie where two men battle depression. (Austin Film Festival showing of Off the Map. Comes out in March. It's Bagdad Cafe with an IRS man from Brooklyn instead of a frau from Rosenheim. And no cafe because the highway is miles away.) It's funny. Just the smallest things tweak your mood. Or maybe it is just chemicals in your brain. Some people don't have the juice to be happy, no matter what. To make it through. <diatribe> Oh...there is a scene in Off the Map that touches on something that has been informing my thinking lately about the world we live in. It is the seventies and drugs for depression are much more brute force. The depressed guy, Charlie, is facing a pill on the table his wife wants him to take. He doesn't like pills. He is used to living with the things at hand, given by land and flora and fanna, natural cures from his wife's Indian grandmother. His wife is so desperate against his deep depression that she is for it. The pill is on the table, so central in the scene that the actors fade. I like the way that scene takes the pill seriously. The film admits that the problem might be amenable to drugs but clocks the problems and psychology of drugs, too. I have noticed lately that as cigarettes and alcohol disappear from advertising or the companies are forced to advertise against themselves that drugs are promoted albeit with a page of fine print or a fast-paced voice over of possible headaches, constipation, death and dismemberment (Ok, maybe not, maybe that's if you don't manage your diabetes). Anyway, one can begin to feel less whole if one isn't swallowing stuff. Acid reflux? I quit work. Digestive difficulties? I quit work and started exercising. Allergies? I altered my diet until they declined to a manageble place. Maybe you need pills if you don't quit work. Now I know caffeine and alcohol are drugs. And I've even started to watch these substances. (Yes, you may say...you watch them enter your body.) But I haven't swallowed a pill in weeks or months. And I'm proud of it. I'm thankful for the drugs that have prolonged my sister's life, that allowed my mother another twenty-five years. I'm happy that my friends with cancer had drugs to effect cures or remissions. But I still think we are being pushed to think ourselves incomplete without a prescription or a 'now available over the counter in a powerful formula' drugs. And it's not just spam about viagra and online prescriptions...it's doctors, drug companies and the press. Even Rush is addicted to pain killers. Pills. Just say no if you can. </diatribe>
JUST TYPING Writing block. Not writing. No writing. Writing suspended. Writing never started. Writing in head only.
		Food Diary. *breakfast* nothing *lunch* salad with dressing and cheese and cottage cheese and carrots and onions 5.5 ounce Spicy V8 *snacks* nachos Shiner Bock *dinner* cheese and smoked oysters and mustard and crackers (probably fifteen crackers...those Carr's ones) left-over General Tso's with a little rice And so it goes...I suppose my diet could be worse. I could have not had a salad and some V8 but had just cheese for lunch instead of some cheese. I need to eat less late at night.
		Time flies.... The gym took two hours and then I wasted time on the journal and e-mail and such. I showered and ate and everything but I didn't feel like I should start something big before I went to have my teeth cleaned. After my visit to the dentist I set out to find this old cemetery called the Preece Cemetery and, yes, some of FFP's relatives are buried there. (It is near the dentist's office.) I found it and was surprised that there were many quite recent graves including one with the date of death not yet engraved and the flowers not yet withered. Some were not marked at all and some marked were, in fact, FFP's relatives...like his great-grandparents. (His grandparents are in the cemetery near our house.) I then wasted the time before going to the movies, snacking and reading the paper. After the movies we skipped the party but we watched some of the baseball and ate a late dinner where each of us came up with something out of the frig and pantry. I read papers and dozed. I stayed up too late.

		Reading. I.F. Stone's A Nonconformist History of our Times: The War Years 1939-1945 reminds one that greed and stuff have always driven our wars and preparations for war. There are several articles about the entanglements of industry and our then and soon-to-be enemies and reluctance to turn away from the expediency (and rewards) of commerce.
		Ho hum. How many ways to say not, nada, nil, not?
		Exercise thirty minutes on recumbent bike my new leg and back and bicep routine...I'm not too confident this is doing me as much good as the old one but...I'm giving it a try thirty plus mnutes on recumbent bike some abs and stretches and lower back
	.	118/68 77 Mood is is a bit down. But it goes away.