The Visible Woman...January 22, 2004

The journal is starting to feel burdensome. It feels like it's distancing me from my life, but at the same time I feel like it is worthwhile when I look at old entries. I find some pretty cool things there.

What is that old quote about the unexamined life not being worth living? Well, the last couple of days, my journal seemed to be getting in my way. I was just writing up my meals not savoring them, thinking up themes for these essays instead of doing other writing. It seemed like I was many entries behind and was just doing it over and over.

It was an excuse, like the remodel, for my other failings, I think. The remodel keeps us on pins and needles waiting for guys to show up and do things. Hanging around to see how they do and ask questions and complain about things. Occasionally I catch myself thinking "When the remodel is done," and after that there is some vision of how I will suddenly accomplish everything on the 'to do' list. Similarly, I think that if I wasn't typing this sentence right now that I could be doing...um...whatever.

The journal is something to do in my office besides plan my trips, answer e-mail and, most of all, clean up the mess and get organized. I'm appalled that as I look at old journals with pix that the mess is as bad or worse than a year ago.

Is the journal simply an accurate (what about that bread and butter you didn't write down on Wednesday?) and clever (yeah, right) record of my demise? Documenting the worthlessness of my life? Or is it a work itself, a work of collage with the type face, the pictures, the colors making something bigger than my sloth, my weight, my exercise and every morsel of food I remember I consumed? What if every entry were printed out in full color and pasted together as wallpaper? Would it be art?

	it's starting to feel like a burden The journal is starting to feel burdensome. It feels like it's distancing me from my life, but at the same time I feel like it is worthwhile when I look at old entries. I find some pretty cool things there. What is that old quote about the unexamined life not being worth living? Well, the last couple of days, my journal seemed to be getting in my way. I was just writing up my meals not savoring them, thinking up themes for these essays instead of doing other writing. It seemed like I was many entries behind and was just doing it over and over. It was an excuse, like the remodel, for my other failings, I think. The remodel keeps us on pins and needles waiting for guys to show up and do things. Hanging around to see how they do and ask questions and complain about things. Occasionally I catch myself thinking "When the remodel is done," and after that there is some vision of how I will suddenly accomplish everything on the 'to do' list. Similarly, I think that if I wasn't typing this sentence right now that I could be doing...um...whatever. The journal is something to do in my office besides plan my trips, answer e-mail and, most of all, clean up the mess and get organized. I'm appalled that as I look at old journals with pix that the mess is as bad or worse than a year ago. Is the journal simply an accurate (what about that bread and butter you didn't write down on Wednesday?) and clever (yeah, right) record of my demise? Documenting the worthlessness of my life? Or is it a work itself, a work of collage with the type face, the pictures, the colors making something bigger than my sloth, my weight, my exercise and every morsel of food I remember I consumed? What if every entry were printed out in full color and pasted together as wallpaper? Would it be art?
My dad's friend Maja who cooked the leg of lamb in the foreground that we bought. It was yummy.
JUST TYPING Do? Or think? Dust? Or ponder? Tidy? Or deep in thought? Cook elaborate meals? Or write down everything you eat? Are these the choices?
		Food Diary. *breakfast* two cups of coffee *lunch* vegetarian barbeque two pieces of wheat bread Mustard cheese chopped onion hot sauce chips *snacks* none dinner [friend's house] English Peas New potatoes Broccoli, cauliflour and carrots Leg of Lamb (several slices, with gravy) two glasses red wine decaf coffee apple cake a roll (no butter) Today I - really enjoyed those potatoes and the lamb and gravy and for that matter everything about that meal.
		Time flies.... Because of FFP's various appointments, I don't get away from the house to work out until the afternoon. I copy some of the genealogy info I've been looking at and a letter from my grandmother to her sister. I make Dad a copy and also print the unknown woman's picture. Something goes wrong with the bookkeeper's work and I fix that. I talk to the painter. The time just sweeps away. I guess I do some e-mails or read some anyway. Finally I'm at the club around two or three. I have eaten and drunk a lot of water and the workout feels sort of difficult and I get all red in the face. I get back and cool off and finally shower and go to my dad's friend's house for a leg of lamb dinner. I stay too late after the meal talking to Dad, his friends, and a neighbor who has joined in the meal. At home I fold laundry and read a few pages and fall asleep.

		Reading. Newspapers. Best Essays of 2003 edited by Anne Fadiman. These essays go all over the map...from the circus to 9/11 to eating flesh (of animals, calm down). The Conquerers by Michael Beschloss.
		nothing
		Exercise thrity-one minutes on recumbent bike chest, shoulder and tricep exercises twenty-nine minutes on recumbent bike
	. .	Physically felt a little struggle with workout. Mentally distracted by remodel, my dad's alleged illness and general malaise.
	It's a Tangled Web we weave...these days of our lives.	One year ago "I thought maybe when I was retired that I would be even more open in a journal. No employer or clients or co-workers to offend, no future employment to interfere with. Maybe I'd just pound out all my thoughts (mundane, deep, everthing in between). I'd record every bicep curl and morsel eaten and, what? Get redemption? Surely there would be time enough for it and everything else since I wouldn't be working." Two years ago "I should get to bed early. I have an early meeting tomorrow. But I don't. Because I'm booting machines and then I don't feel like going to sleep. That used to bother me. I'm much calmer about it now. It doesn't kill me to miss a few hours sleep unless I worry about missing the sleep."