The Visible Woman...December 31, 2003

Today I had things I had to do: meet Dad at water aerobics, work out, pack. But I felt suddenly quite free. That feeling you have when you can do exactly as you please. I guess I wanted to do laundry and pick up things and pack for my husband. (Four ties for four days, friends. No kidding.)

I don't really like appointments so on Mondays and Wednesdays when I meet Dad at water aerobics it always rankles me a little to be there at a certain time. Today I enjoyed it though. The class. Even though FFP had to wait around for workmen and hadn't worked out and I felt a tiny bit bad. I enjoyed being in the class.

Sure enough I had a phone message from him after my (first) shower that the sheet rock guys were going after it. He agreed he could come later and I had a workout, doing all I really wanted to do. I just used getting home to relieve him as an excuse to quit without a 'cool down' on the bike.

I didn't rush into packing when I got home. Instead, I made a nice baked potato with the trimmings for lunch (trying to use up stuff I found in the frig) and read a bit of the paper. Then I started getting out suitcases and the packing devices I use in them to make things orderly and began digging through boxes and various places to find things.

Usually packing makes me anxious, especially when packing for FFP as well. I didn't feel anxious today, though. I just worked my list, figuring out what to carry on and what to check, finding what I wanted to wear tomorrow. I needed to do laundry before packing everything for FFP but I didn't get uptight about that and waited for him to go to the club and come home and get his workout stuff off before even starting the laundry. He hadn't picked out shirts either. I was patient. I didn't feel any anxiety. When he asked me if I was going to pack our overcoats, I didn't blow up but simply said "No way. We are going to put them in the overhead bin on the plane."

I was deciding not to take things like the battery charger for my camera (I have an extra battery) but deciding to take two pairs of dress shoes and my workout shoes and wear my hiking boots even though I knew this was overkill in the extreme for shoes. I was deciding what we would carry on so that we could, um, carry on. (If the checked luggage didn't arrive, we could still dress up, have clean undies, toothbrush, etc.)

Normally packing (especially post 9/11) is the very antithesis of feeling free. You can't lock your checked luggage, you have to keep sharp objects out of carry-on, you have to worry about the bags being unpacked by poorly-trained federal workers. I was sanguine. Whatever happens, happens. It will be fine. If we end up short something, we'll buy it. If things are wrinkled, we will get the hotel to press them. If we don't have enough cash, we can use credit.

I felt free and easy today about taking time packing and working out. It was actually nice to feel like I had time to think about what I wanted to take along. I felt that in spite of the short trip that is coming (flying, yech!) and the busy schedule of parties, tours, performance that I was going to enjoy the trip. Relax, be free, enjoy.

I don't know why I felt free and easy and happy today. Could it be that the holidays are just about over with their anxiety-inducing hoopla? Could it be that I've convinced myself to realize that I'm free and enjoy it? Don't know. But it felt good.

	a certain amount of freedom Today I had things I had to do: meet Dad at water aerobics, work out, pack. But I felt suddenly quite free. That feeling you have when you can do exactly as you please. I guess I wanted to do laundry and pick up things and pack for my husband. (Four ties for four days, friends. No kidding.) I don't really like appointments so on Mondays and Wednesdays when I meet Dad at water aerobics it always rankles me a little to be there at a certain time. Today I enjoyed it though. The class. Even though FFP had to wait around for workmen and hadn't worked out and I felt a tiny bit bad. I enjoyed being in the class. Sure enough I had a phone message from him after my (first) shower that the sheet rock guys were going after it. He agreed he could come later and I had a workout, doing all I really wanted to do. I just used getting home to relieve him as an excuse to quit without a 'cool down' on the bike. I didn't rush into packing when I got home. Instead, I made a nice baked potato with the trimmings for lunch (trying to use up stuff I found in the frig) and read a bit of the paper. Then I started getting out suitcases and the packing devices I use in them to make things orderly and began digging through boxes and various places to find things. Usually packing makes me anxious, especially when packing for FFP as well. I didn't feel anxious today, though. I just worked my list, figuring out what to carry on and what to check, finding what I wanted to wear tomorrow. I needed to do laundry before packing everything for FFP but I didn't get uptight about that and waited for him to go to the club and come home and get his workout stuff off before even starting the laundry. He hadn't picked out shirts either. I was patient. I didn't feel any anxiety. When he asked me if I was going to pack our overcoats, I didn't blow up but simply said "No way. We are going to put them in the overhead bin on the plane." I was deciding not to take things like the battery charger for my camera (I have an extra battery) but deciding to take two pairs of dress shoes and my workout shoes and wear my hiking boots even though I knew this was overkill in the extreme for shoes. I was deciding what we would carry on so that we could, um, carry on. (If the checked luggage didn't arrive, we could still dress up, have clean undies, toothbrush, etc.) Normally packing (especially post 9/11) is the very antithesis of feeling free. You can't lock your checked luggage, you have to keep sharp objects out of carry-on, you have to worry about the bags being unpacked by poorly-trained federal workers. I was sanguine. Whatever happens, happens. It will be fine. If we end up short something, we'll buy it. If things are wrinkled, we will get the hotel to press them. If we don't have enough cash, we can use credit. I felt free and easy today about taking time packing and working out. It was actually nice to feel like I had time to think about what I wanted to take along. I felt that in spite of the short trip that is coming (flying, yech!) and the busy schedule of parties, tours, performance that I was going to enjoy the trip. Relax, be free, enjoy. I don't know why I felt free and easy and happy today. Could it be that the holidays are just about over with their anxiety-inducing hoopla? Could it be that I've convinced myself to realize that I'm free and enjoy it? Don't know. But it felt good.
it looks pretty dull but it looks more like a room
JUST TYPING Freedom's just another way. Of saying you enjoy what you are doing. Kris had it wrong when he put it in Janis' mouth. You can have stuff to lose. You just have to not worry about that stuff.
		Food Diary. *breakfast* nothing *lunch* a clementine baked potato with non-fat yogurt, green onions, broccoli, grated cheddar, two pieces turkey bacon crumbled on it *snacks* six or seven Fritos and six or seven tortilla chips and a couple of olives and cheese sticks and a little dip and guacamole; a few small pieces of cheese; a couple of little sweet candies two or three glasses of white wine and a big glass of bad bubbly *dinner* a bunch of smoked turkey nachos with chopped onions Today I - thought about eating healthy for part of the day.
Meta: I'm not posting this entry or the D.C. ones until I'm back from the trip. So, yeah, they suddenly appeared.		Time flies.... Should have gotten up earlier. But I was at the water class on time (a little before 8:15) and then I had a shower and then a workout and another shower and was home around 11:30. Lunch, preparing packing lists, nosing around ebay trying (unsuccessfully) to buy one of last year's digital cameras for my niece at a good price. Then the actual beginning of packing, picking deciding. Gradually as the day wears on and FFP and I snack and talk, I get more and more things packed. I launder to get his clean underwear in, ask him what he wants to take, think of all the things he usually forgets. We have a party that starts 'around 8:30.' I'm thinking we should go after I get the last load of laundry done. I am sort of looking forward to tomorrow with not much to think about doing although I'm sure the day will go 'poof' in last minute preparations. We actually go to the party after nine and stay until midnight. We meet a couple of interesting people and talk to an old friend who has a nice present for us in her car. I feel sort of bad that she got us something and we didn't get her anything but I don't worry too much about it.

		Reading. Dawn of D-Day: There Men Were There 6 June 1944 by David Howarth on the bike. I really do feel I'm starting to accrete a certain basic set of information about the invasion. Michelin Green Guide to Washington, D.C.; The Best American Essays 2003 edited by Anne Fadiman is going on the trip with me. Newspapers. Today's newspapers.
		Lucky to get the journal done. Does a packing list count?
		Exercise one hour water aerobics thirty minutes recumbent bike leg, back and bicep exercises ab and lower back exercises
	. .	Physically I'm in great shape. Always worry about catching something on the plane and about how I'll do with the decongestants vs. the pressure changes.
	It's a Tangled Web we weave...these days of our lives.	One year ago "Well, I haven't decided. I'm going to finish this entry, banish the archives down a level and then think about it. That's what I'm going to do. Yep." Two years ago "I've decided that if I retired it would take a couple of years to work into doing things the way I'd like to do them."