The Visible Woman...December 8, 2003

I am no longer compelled by the rituals and yet somehow I'm a little caught up in them after all.

Suddenly, the holiday mailing ritual seems hollow. Printing hundreds of them and scribbling on them and folding and sealing and pasting on address labels will do that to you. Gift-giving seems a little misguided, too. I have most of mine done, though.

It's just that when I receive cards then I wish I'd dropped one to the people, too, a once-a-year time to wish the best and communicate. And when Christmas Eve comes, I will wish that our parents had some little gifts to unwrap.

I'd did buy a bed today to be delivered if and when the remodel ever finishes. One really must have a bed. For the first time I did one of those deals where they give you a very high interest credit card and charge several payments and, if you pay on time, you owe no interest. They are counting on you getting behind and incurring huge interest payments and, at the worst, they get the store's fee. I never bothered with one before. It will be a very cool bed and, after a couple of months on the fold-out couch, we should really love it. I could have waited a few weeks to buy it but we figured better to have it held and ready for delivery because if we got to that point we would be quite eager to get settled. And each day without a bed would seem horrible. So...now we are poised to deliver a bed. I just need to go out and buy some new mattress covers and sheets and a bedspread.

I was out of sorts today...wondering why I ever drink to excess and why I do the things I do. I never took an Advil or anything, though. I just gutted it out. (Literally on that, too.) To punish myself, I guess. I can't drink much anymore really. I must have had a tiny bit more than I thought!

When I went to buy the bed, I also bought a black ink cartridge for the printer I was using for the cards at the camera store next store. I don't know why, but I looked at extra spare batteries for my digital camera and Compact Flash cards. Ostensibly to think about preparing for a trip next year but really I think I just wanted to stay out of the house a little longer and harrass the camera store help who couldn't figure out what battery I needed. I like to put stores to the test. In the end I only bought the ink cartridge.

It's hard to know why you do certain things. And, of course, as my head is throbbing from listening to the framer saw and bang, I'm questioning why I remodel, too. And why I paid the framing and roofing completion draw if they are still framing. But we always move on, change things.

Boring issues, I know. I wasn't at my best. And I can't hope to answer these questions when, every day, in spite of needing to do many other things, here I sit, typing gray letters on soft yellow pixels.

I'm beginning to think this closet window was a mistake...I meant for it to be smaller.	why do we do what we do I am no longer compelled by the rituals and yet somehow I'm a little caught up in them after all. Suddenly, the holiday mailing ritual seems hollow. Printing hundreds of them and scribbling on them and folding and sealing and pasting on address labels will do that to you. Gift-giving seems a little misguided, too. I have most of mine done, though. It's just that when I receive cards then I wish I'd dropped one to the people, too, a once-a-year time to wish the best and communicate. And when Christmas Eve comes, I will wish that our parents had some little gifts to unwrap. I'd did buy a bed today to be delivered if and when the remodel ever finishes. One really must have a bed. For the first time I did one of those deals where they give you a very high interest credit card and charge several payments and, if you pay on time, you owe no interest. They are counting on you getting behind and incurring huge interest payments and, at the worst, they get the store's fee. I never bothered with one before. It will be a very cool bed and, after a couple of months on the fold-out couch, we should really love it. I could have waited a few weeks to buy it but we figured better to have it held and ready for delivery because if we got to that point we would be quite eager to get settled. And each day without a bed would seem horrible. So...now we are poised to deliver a bed. I just need to go out and buy some new mattress covers and sheets and a bedspread. I was out of sorts today...wondering why I ever drink to excess and why I do the things I do. I never took an Advil or anything, though. I just gutted it out. (Literally on that, too.) To punish myself, I guess. I can't drink much anymore really. I must have had a tiny bit more than I thought! When I went to buy the bed, I also bought a black ink cartridge for the printer I was using for the cards at the camera store next store. I don't know why, but I looked at extra spare batteries for my digital camera and Compact Flash cards. Ostensibly to think about preparing for a trip next year but really I think I just wanted to stay out of the house a little longer and harrass the camera store help who couldn't figure out what battery I needed. I like to put stores to the test. In the end I only bought the ink cartridge. It's hard to know why you do certain things. And, of course, as my head is throbbing from listening to the framer saw and bang, I'm questioning why I remodel, too. And why I paid the framing and roofing completion draw if they are still framing. But we always move on, change things. Boring issues, I know. I wasn't at my best. And I can't hope to answer these questions when, every day, in spite of needing to do many other things, here I sit, typing gray letters on soft yellow pixels.
JUST TYPING Why do we do the things we do? Because we always have? Because we feel a little spacey? Because of the hangover?
		Food Diary. *breakfast* nothing *lunch* three slices turkey bacon about an ounce of cheese small can tomato juice *snacks* a slice of processed cheddar a Dr. Pepper some other cheddar cheese *dinner* About six ounces of salmon cooked with capers, lemon juice and olive oil. Salad with greens, green onions, carrots, mozzarella and with some sort of dressing. Broccoli and onions, steamed and sprinkled with Parmesan and a little Marie's Bleu Cheese Viniagrette. Today I - didn't drink - made the proponents of the cheese diet proud - at least had a few vegie things
		Time flies.... I was dragging when I got up. I went to the club and talked to my dad who was there for water aerobics but I didn't do the class myself. I went to the gym and sat and drank coffee and talked to the coffee bar attendant and then got on the bike for forty-five minutes. At home I dealt with the remodeler and some of his minnions. I printed Christmas cards. I looked through addresses. I went on my bed and ink cartridge trip. I made salads and vegies for dinner and cleaned up after it. We wrote notes on cards, sealed them, put labels on, arbitrated who we were really going to send them to. It was very tiresome, really. We watched Angels in America Part I on HBO. That helped distract us. I love the play and this teleplay is very good and true to the emotions of the play. Kushner did the teleplay so no surprise there. The TV that we watched after that was pretty bad...a rerun of CSI Miami that wasn't the greatest show in the first place and a rerun of the pickup death episode of King of the Hill. (Which is actually kind of a fun episode.) I stayed up too late because I finally got a shower and then messed around with the computer and it was late. Most of the cards were prepared although no stamps yet. I don't feel good about it, though. Maybe I won't even try next year. Maybe I'll use one of these online services to mail everyone on my list a picture of my dog with Santa next year.

		Reading. I forgot my book so I read old newspapers (from March) on the bike at the club. As luck would have it, I read an old March The New Yorker in the, ahem, 'library', too. I'm just in a time warp, I guess.
		nothing
		Exercise Forty-five minutes on the recumbent bicycle
	. .	Digestion difficulties and other possible fallout of too much wine like a dull headache and fuzzy head. Mood flagging.
	It's a Tangled Web we weave...these days of our lives.	One year ago "This isn't unusual for us really...going to the club at different times, eating different things." Two years ago "And, of course, I had to say that I loved a smart woman who could also wear those shoes."