The Visible Woman...November 3, 2003

This time of year I start to think about the holidays. Getting a few gifts. Doing a holiday card. (Next year, I'm sending Halloween or All Saints Day or Day of the Dead cards I think. Wish I'd though of it this year.) It creates some anxiety. I don't want to buy into the whole commercial extravanganza. But I do want to do a few things like make calendars for relatives, buy my dad and FFP's parents some presents, take a few things to my cousin who will entertain us for Thanksgivng. I used to buy tons of people presents. And work. How'd I do that? I think I just made a list and did it because I couldn't fret.

The building we are trying to lease/sell is adding to my feeling of drift. People, actually quite a few people, act very interested. Some guy wants to bring a letter of intent. Another calls out of the blue to look. But we've been at this for a while and it seems endless.

The remodel we are going to do hasn't started but we have rearranged stuff in the house, dug up bushes, had the irrigation guy cut off lines to heads. We are drifting into the unknown.

I am planning a couple of road excursions for Dad and I, a couple of trips for Forrest and I next year. That always gives me a feeling of losing touch with time and place. It's almost like going on the trip itself making plans, booking hotels, looking at maps and books. I am listening to French Lessons in the car, too.

One computer losing its mind has created some drift.. (Well..the hard drive is the culprit so maybe losing its memory would be more accurate..) This has made me put up with the foibles of some software I was using there in a new venue. I keep reaching for that old computer to do things even though I'm set up to do them elsewhere. I am more conscious of needing to get the backups right...really needing backups for a change does that to one. Even though I weathered this one pretty well, it makes me nervous.

I really should be well-grounded and have nothing to worry about. Really. But what I really feel is adrift on a sea of anxiety.

I think when people have dementia it must be like losing one of the computers you are used to using.You sit down to do someting using some keystrokes and things don't happen. I reinstalled my Dreamweaver/Fireworks Studio 4 on this machine (where I'm typing) and one of the keyboard shortcuts doesn't work. Now I understand that this version probably wasn't even designed to work with XP but I don't really want to upgrade. And, indeed, I was using the software on the machine that died so happily. That machine didn't run everything well but I was happy with that piece. I'm almost back to being able to do everything that was on that old machine on some other machine which had the software or where I installed the dead machine's copy. It seems like I've been through this sort of thing dozens or scores of times. Just when I get productive...upgrades, changes, crashes. We must lose billions of hours of productivity to the support of computers that are helping us do things.

And me...I'm adrift and the computers just add to it instead of grounding me.

art in the convention center "Some people love the holidays. Some don't. We at LADV feel very strongly both ways." From the Holiday 2003 edition of the Austin Les Amis du Vin newsletter	adrift I feel adrift on a sea with lurking anxieties. This time of year I start to think about the holidays. Getting a few gifts. Doing a holiday card. (Next year, I'm sending Halloween or All Saints Day or Day of the Dead cards I think. Wish I'd though of it this year.) It creates some anxiety. I don't want to buy into the whole commercial extravanganza. But I do want to do a few things like make calendars for relatives, buy my dad and FFP's parents some presents, take a few things to my cousin who will entertain us for Thanksgivng. I used to buy tons of people presents. And work. How'd I do that? I think I just made a list and did it because I couldn't fret. The building we are trying to lease/sell is adding to my feeling of drift. People, actually quite a few people, act very interested. Some guy wants to bring a letter of intent. Another calls out of the blue to look. But we've been at this for a while and it seems endless. The remodel we are going to do hasn't started but we have rearranged stuff in the house, dug up bushes, had the irrigation guy cut off lines to heads. We are drifting into the unknown. I am planning a couple of road excursions for Dad and I, a couple of trips for Forrest and I next year. That always gives me a feeling of losing touch with time and place. It's almost like going on the trip itself making plans, booking hotels, looking at maps and books. I am listening to French Lessons in the car, too. One computer losing its mind has created some drift.. (Well..the hard drive is the culprit so maybe losing its memory would be more accurate..) This has made me put up with the foibles of some software I was using there in a new venue. I keep reaching for that old computer to do things even though I'm set up to do them elsewhere. I am more conscious of needing to get the backups right...really needing backups for a change does that to one. Even though I weathered this one pretty well, it makes me nervous. I really should be well-grounded and have nothing to worry about. Really. But what I really feel is adrift on a sea of anxiety. I think when people have dementia it must be like losing one of the computers you are used to using.You sit down to do someting using some keystrokes and things don't happen. I reinstalled my Dreamweaver/Fireworks Studio 4 on this machine (where I'm typing) and one of the keyboard shortcuts doesn't work. Now I understand that this version probably wasn't even designed to work with XP but I don't really want to upgrade. And, indeed, I was using the software on the machine that died so happily. That machine didn't run everything well but I was happy with that piece. I'm almost back to being able to do everything that was on that old machine on some other machine which had the software or where I installed the dead machine's copy. It seems like I've been through this sort of thing dozens or scores of times. Just when I get productive...upgrades, changes, crashes. We must lose billions of hours of productivity to the support of computers that are helping us do things. And me...I'm adrift and the computers just add to it instead of grounding me.
JUST TYPING Progress? I guess. Movement. Entropy maybe. We aren't in control. Of our gadgets. Or our lives.
		Food Diary. *breakfast* nothing *lunch* bowl of Total corn flakes with 2% milk and a teaspoon of sugar *snacks* two slices American cheese and three or four carrot pieces slice of American cheese *dinner* two bowls of salad stuff including spinach with dressing, cheese, tomato, green onions, carrots two slices turkey bacon two little mini Snickers bars Today I didn't - eat much until after four - drink alcohol
		Time flies.... I spent an hour nursemaiding FFP's backup which shouldn't have been affected by the hard disk crash. But didn't run anyway. Then I spent almost three hours at the gym...doing the water class, showering, working out. Then I worked some more on various tasks to get going without that one computer and get the backups right and stuff. In between I read some newspapers in the ongoing, found a place to store pictures and mirrors that need to escape the remodel, took another shower. We showed the building to some folks who seemed to enjoy walking around visualizing using it for their business for a long time. Home we fixed a little something to eat and watched TV and I did some more software and backup stuff.

		Reading. Read Paris in Mind ed. by Jennifer Lee in gym and later while waiting for the folks to finish looking at the building. I read some papers and worked the crossword in The New York Times.
		Writing? No...I'm going to spend my life backing up and copying files and installing software.
		Exercise one hour of water aerobics thirty minutes on the treadmill thirty minutes on the recumbent bike ab and lower back exercises
	.	Everyone was complaining about allergies today. I did have an 'almost' headache. But it was nothing much. I didn't take anything. The pressure built and was a little irritating. But I hate taking anything.
	It's a Tangled Web we weave...these days of our lives.	One year ago "I'm feeling a little alone, but it evaporates in my room, reading with the TV blabbing away German programs I can't understand.." Two years ago "We discuss, on the way to the car, whether he is homeless."