I had a dream early this morning. I was trying to go to an annual meeting of some company. I wanted to give my Dad a cell phone to use. I wanted a shower. I found a shower but it really did dry cleaning some how. Now, all of this is probably coming from stuff that happened, stuff I watched. (Remember that scene in Charade where Cary Grant showers with his suit on?) I did consider going to the National Instruments annual meeting. They are a local company and we own 100 shares. There are people with a few hundred shares of companies who go to annual meetings and make stockholder proposals. This is something I actually considered because I'm retired and I can consider it.

I love that part of retirement. I can consider doing something in the middle of the day on a week day like go to a company's annual meeting. I can consider playing tennis or working out any time. I can consider buying exotic ingredients and learning to cook with them. I can consider learning to cook at all. I can consider traveling anywhere, any time although not with FFP. Travel with FFP requires meshing with his schedule and needs.

I love the part of retirement where I would seem to have time to learn and re-learn. To study mathematics again, thirty years after I last considered anything but the basic algebra and base arithmetic that might have been required for my job. To learn things about history, about medicine, the brain. Even to learn things about computers that I didn't have time to learn because I was too busy with what I had to learn or had to do.

I love the part of retirement where I would seem to have time to help FFP out with his work, doing more WEB design for clients, helping him with administrative things, keep his computer stuff working and backed up.

I love the part of retirement where I would seem to have time to be domestic. To cook, to clean, to straighten out every nook and cranny. To discard the unwanted and make our spaces look lived-in but stylish. I love the part where I would have time to shop for things I need and make good decisions that help our finances.

I love the part of retirement where I would seem to have time to manage our investments so that we could make the most of them.

I love the part of retirement where I would have time to write the things I want to write and learn to make movies and do my own screenplays.

What I don't like is that I don't do these things. Oh, really, yeah, I do. Sort of. But I don't give myself credit for it. I don't feel like I'm doing it.

It's all because of that pesky truth: there are only twenty-four hours in the day. You have to sleep. If you do a few domestic chores and personal grooming, the total dwindles to maybe fourteen hours.

I have been in the gym for an hour or more most days. With the (admittedly short) commute to the gym, that consumes about two hours. I can get some of the reading done that I want to do as well, but still.

That leaves about twelve hours.

Maybe maintaining this journal takes an hour a day. It's fun and educational. Looking for quotes, dealing with images, learning more about the WEB tools.

But that leaves eleven hours.

Let's say I do a few things for FFP. Not much, some printing, etc. Maybe an hour.

Let's say I do a few things for and with Dad. Today I spent a little over two hours...getting there, packing some of Mom's things, talking to him on the phone.

That leaves eight hours.

Let's say you spend some time with friends and on e-mailing people to maintain relationships. A couple of hours.

That leaves six hours.

Let's say you read and watch TV for a couple of hours, even three.

That leaves three hours.

Let's say you surf the WEB, shop, do a few chores...boom...the day is gone.

I need more day.

I've considered getting up earlier and going to the gym early the way FFP does. That would work, I think. It would magically add hours to the day, wouldn't it? I've tried setting time limits. ("Just spend the next hour cleaning up this office," I tell myself. Within fifteen minutes I'll find myself answering an e-mail or something or responding to a phone call or a request from FFP.)

But, realistically, I need to look on the positive side. I do spend that time in the gym. And, although my fifty-four-year-old body has been slow to respond, it is responding. I have read a pile of books, although I'm not sure I learned or re-leaarned anything. I do spend time with my dad and, when more of Mom's things are handled, this time will be more for fun and less work. I do spend more time helping FFP and even accomplished billable tasks, though few of them. I do spend more time in the kitchen even though I can't cook. I do spend time cleaning and sorting things even if some of it doesn't show because it is sorting computer files. I have taken a few trips (three) with more planned (two). I played tennis in a few clinics on a weekday morning.

It is funny, though, that I've become so selfish about my time and observant about where it goes now that more of it is 'my own?' I suppose this is natural. There are so many more choices to make in this life than the working life where I spent thirty-three years save a five month sabbatical. There are many more choices than the school environment I existed in before that. In college, I was almost always in summer school or working. And those summer vacations from public school? Well, my choices were always limited by transportation, money and the willingness of my parents to let me do things. I was actually, occasionally bored. I don't think I've been bored since I went to college except for a few occasions where I was trapped in a drab surrouding without a book.

So, let's stay positive about it, OK? And get out there and get something done!