Tuesday, September 17, 2002

why? because the baby cheers me up

"Death is the ugly fact which Nature has to hide, and she hides it well.."
Alexander Smith, Of Death and the Fear of Dying

SuRu helps me bring home some of the stuff that I have no place for. A lot of it is piled in the guest room. I guess one of my duties after I retire will be to clean out a bit. Or a lot.

I have nachos and beer for dinner. A Shiner Bock. Because it's what I feel like doing.

Forrest is off at Zoot. Not eating but checking out a photo shoot of some food. Then he's back.

It's one of those nights when I don't sleep. I can't really pin it down. Maybe I'm worried about not having enough money to retire, but it really feels like I'm worried about doing justice to retirement...doing the things I want with vigor, creating stuff, helping others. Of course, I've been having sleepless nights for years but especially in the last few weeks. They have been different in that I can't pinpoint any particular worry. I just don't feel like sleeping. One specific thing I worry about is whether the powers-that-be at a conference I was supposed to go to will let my colleague take over my duties there. I have written to the thread chair and to an employee of ours who is on the conference committee, but haven't heard anything. I have been trying to deal with this issue for a couple of weeks but I still feel guilty that it hasn't been handled. My colleague is perfectly capable of doing the stuff if they will just let him take over. They are still paying me this week so I'll be concerned. But next week, I will let it go. I know this about myself. Regret and self-recrimination have been mostly banished from my life. I look forward.

JUST TYPING
I should feel more regret.
Giving up the money.
The benefits.
The interaction with my colleagues.
Shouldn't I?
Many say: "If I could, I would."
Really?